Never across in my mind that one day my child will die before me.
NEVER.
And it happens to me, in split second, he left me forever. Without any warning, without saying goodbye and never in my mind, it would be this way.
...
I love him so much.
I miss him so much.
Only ALLAH knows how I feel now, but I must be redha. Ini ketentuan Allah. No one can stop it. NO ONE. Sudah tertulis, ajal Dzafri sudah tiba pada 20hb Mac 2010, pukul 8.50pm. Semuanya sudah tertulis.
My second son, DZAFRI HISYAM BIN KHAIRULANWAR, passed away peacefully on 20 March 2010 at 8.50pm, at ICU/NICU Ampang Puteri and he was 15 months old (born on 22 September 2008).
He was first diagnosed with dengue (the diagnosed and confirmation of the dengue was made by our regular pediatrician at Wangsa Maju) and later transferred to Ampang Puteri on 20 March 2010 (Saturday) because Dzafri had trouble breathing and the first hospital doesnt have the proper equipment.
The minute we arrived at Ampang Puteri by ambulance, the consultant pediatrician at the ICU/NICU ward have said this to me, “Your baby is too sick. What happened? I cannot promise you anything….”
WHAT?
What?????? Said that again????
But still in my head, I thought to myself that this doctor is wrong. Ya, me, without any medical background, wants to tell to this experience doctor that he is wrong. And he continue, “I think this is not dengue, this is something else. He is too pale. Do he have talasemia?” I quickly replied to him, “No. What do you mean by something else. The doctor (referring to the earlier pediatrician) told me it was dengue.” “Never mind. I will do the test first.” He replied.
I kept quiet to myself, not saying anything and just let the doctor and his nurses doing their job. I was with Dzafri in that ICU room, waiting for my husband and Dzarif as I arrived earlier with the ambulance. Still in shock of what the doctor told me, but I still remaining calm. Tapi dalam hati, Ya Allah, Tuhan saja tahu. I just want to scream, yell, cry … and all I want to do at that time is Dzafri to be ok and we can all go home.
Dzafri was put on oxygen, drip, wayar sana sini-at his chest, hand, his little feet …. He starts to merengek, maybe because tak selesa dgn wayar-wayar yang banyak tu. He didnt cried, but he wants me to hold him tight. Tapi macam mana nak dukung him with all the wayar, dari hidung, lengan, tgn, kaki semuanya ada. I tried to make him comfortable as I could, but I know, he’s scared. Me too.
After 1/2 hour in the ward, Dzafri tertidur and I quickly make my way to the registration counter as hubby is stuck in the traffic jammed. habis urusan di kaunter tu, I quickly ran back to the ward and there, the doctor is waiting for me to show Dzafri chest Xray.
“Its pneumonia. Its getting worst. What actually the doctor told you?”
I explained to him the whole thing, from the first day Dzafri had his demam which is on Monday night, we went to see his pediatrician on Wednesday and was admitted on Friday because the doctor suspected dengue or viral fever, and which the blood test done on Friday and Saturday with the platlet count drop to 28, the pediatrician confirmed it was dengue but, Dzafri had trouble breathing since Wednesday and the pediatrician told me its only phlegm and something to do with Croup bacteria/virus.
“No. This is nothing to do with dengue or viral fever. Its pneumonia and his chest Xray shows that his right lung is filled with pus ? (nanah) and he need to be operate immediately”.
I was nearly fainted.
My hubby was outside at the visitor lounge, waiting with Dzarif, because kid under 12 are not allowed to be in the ICU ward and we had nobody to look after him. I agreed with the operation thing and quickly ran to my husband, asked him to see the doctor and explained to him once more. Just before that, another doctor came into the room. The nurse introduced him as the Pakar Bedah Paru-paru. He was holding the chest xray and was saying something to the first doctor. Then, he explained to me. This time, his words really make me want to cry.
“Its pneumonia but I ternampak satu benda asing dalam paru-paru dia ni. I rasa ada ketumbuhan. Growth.”
“Growth?”
“Tumor”
YA ALLAH!!!
At that time, I am really confused. Sad. The reason the whole transfer thing from the previous hospital to Ampang Puteri is because he has trouble breathing and the doctor there confirmed that it was dengue.
How can from dengue be a tumor?
He never sick before. Only demam, selsema like the rest of other kids. Bagi ubat, dia baik. Tidak pernah pun dia terbaring lama, kesakitan. Never. He never get sick before. I really dont understand.
“Your doctor tak pernah instruct for Xray?” Asked the surgeon again.
“No. And I pun tak pernah terfikir nak hantar dia for Xray coz dia tak pernah sakit”.
“Its not your fault. The doctor should advise you. We need to sent him for scan. Then baru I betul-betul boleh confirm whether its tumor or something else. But from my experience, its tumor and maybe dah lama kat sini, maybe since birth. Pneumonia is because of the tumor. I cuma boleh tahu the size, berapa lama and what kind of tumor after the scan. Then baru I boleh buat surgery.”
Again, I just kept quiet, trying very hard to understand all this. Dzafri starts merengek balik, and this time, I started to cry. I asked the doctor to discuss it with my husband. I went to get him, again, I have to wait with Dzarif at the visitor lounge. Only few minutes inside the ward, he came to get me, saying that Dzafri is crying and looking for me.
I quickly ran to get him, seeing that the nurses try to pujuk him but he’s still crying and mengamuk rimas because of the wayar. The nurses prepared him to sleep, as before can get into the scan, he must sleep.
With the help of the nurses, I tried to give him the ubat tidur. Its a sweet syrup, but my poor boy refused to take it. Its not like normal Dzafri who loved to eat, drink, even ubat. Since Wednesday, his selera makan kurang and starts on Friday, he refused to drink, eat and even takes his milk. Its so sad bila mengenangkan, yang dia memang suka makan, but dia akhir hayat dia, he cant eat…. maybe because sakit yang ditanggung …. I dont know. I really dont. Sampai sekarang, everytime I ate, I must remember him, because he is my partner when makan time. He will walk towards me or starts mumbling when he saw his plate or my plate or any foods in my hand…….
Even though the portion of the ubat given to him suitable for his age and weight, he still cant sleep. He start merengek again, pulling all the wayar, tried to sit on the bed and he looked at me with his sad eyes, asking me to hold him. The nurses help me with the wayar, and I hold him tight, tried to put him to sleep. Because if he cant sleep, they cant put him into the scan machine. Still, he cant sleep after holding him for almost 15 minutes. The nurse put him to IV, with hope that he will sleep, but no …. He merengek lagi kuat, pulling all the wayar, pusing sana sini, wants me to hold him ….. I tried to calm him down, pujuk dia, berzikir, and looks like he wants to sleep …. but I was wrong.
It was 8.35pm.
He starts to tersentak-sentak, like kena fit. I thought its fit because dia pernah kena fit on 4 November 2009 and 1 February 2010. I yelled to the nurse, saying that dia kena fit, but the nurse reply to me ….
“Ni bukan fit kak”
Before she could finish her sentence, she quickly called out all of the nurses in the ICU/NICU ward and the doctors. Just a split second, there is about 7, 8 nurses in the room and one of them had asked me to leave the room. That minute I know something terrible happened.
I was crying , more into menjerit, meraung, asking the nurses what’s going on. 2 of them tried to calm me down, asked me to sit on the chair as I nearly collapsed. I tak sedar, my husband were there with Dzarif. I couldnt say anthing, only sat there and cried. Dzarif come to me and hug me, saying to me not to cry. I even cry loud, saying that I am sad because adik sick.
My husband were asking me what had happened as he spent most of the time at the visitor lounge because he cant be with Dzafri in the ward because need to take care Dzarif. I told him what had happened. Dia terkejut, quickly berdoa for Dzafri and asked me to do the same.
Then, the doctor came and see my husband.
“I cannot promise you anything. I think there’s no hope, but I will try my best.”
My husband can only said, Ya Allah.
I cried.
And only after 2 minutes, the doctor came to us again.
I cant barely hear what he’s saying but my husband came to me.
Hug me and kiss me.
“Dzafri dah tak ada, yang. Ya Allah.”
And it was 8.50pm.
I still sit on the chair, crying like I never cried before.
Screaming.
My husband went into the room. I was still outside, this time I was sitting on the floor, making calls to my family and friends.
I cant walked to the room. I have no strength to do that. I just cant. I couldnt face this. My son is gone.
I am so sad. I could not explained more. No words can described it.
It felt like my chest just being stabbed.
Ya Allah. Beratnya dugaan yang Kau berikan kali ini.
After I have called my friends, Maria and Zul, called my aunties, my brother. Then I called my mom. The minute I told her that Dzafri had passed away, my dad pengsan. Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku. Berilah aku kekuatan. Then I called my mom again to make sure that she and my dad are ok. Luckily, my aunty just stayed near there and a cousin had offered to drive my parent from Kluang, Johor to KL that night.
Then, I slowly walked to Dzafri room.
There he was, lying on the bed.
I cant hear his voice again.
No ‘mama’ to greet me.
No chicky smile to welcome me.
No bye bye hand from him.
He just lying there.
He’s gone. Forever.
I held him tight. Crying, screaming his name. Saying No. I dont why, but I said “No, Dzafri. No.”
I dont know how long i cried, screaming his name.
Then, I sat. I was tired.
I asked the nurses, “Betul ke dik dia dah tak ada”.
The nurse looked at me, “Betul kak. Dia dah tak ada.”
I repeatedly asked her the same question. And she reply me with the same answer.
My Dzafri is no longer with me.
I miss him. Today (1 April 2010) is the 12th day since he passed away.
But I can still hear his voice.
I can still hear his cries.
I can still remember his laughter.
I can still smells him.
And I still remember his smile.
Ya Allah, aku redha dgn ketentuanMu. Berilah aku semangat dan kekuatan dalam menempuh dugaan Mu yang besar dan berat ini, Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya, Kau Maha Pengasih, Maha Pengampun. Segala-gala yang terjadi adalah kehendak mu Ya Allah dan aku sebagai hambaMu, redha dengan segalanya. Tempatkanlah Dzafri di sisi M,u di kalangan orang beriman, di syurga Mu. Kau temukanlah kami bersamanya di syurga Mu, Ya Allah. – Amin.
Dzafri,
Mummy love you so much. I am going to miss you forever. Not only me, ayah, abang, totok, grandma, uncle adik, auntie mek, and all of us will missing you dearly. I love you dear. No words can described how much I miss you right now. I love you dear. I have to let you go. But I’m going to miss you forever and my love will never fade. You are my only DZAFRI.
NEVER.
And it happens to me, in split second, he left me forever. Without any warning, without saying goodbye and never in my mind, it would be this way.
...
I love him so much.
I miss him so much.
Only ALLAH knows how I feel now, but I must be redha. Ini ketentuan Allah. No one can stop it. NO ONE. Sudah tertulis, ajal Dzafri sudah tiba pada 20hb Mac 2010, pukul 8.50pm. Semuanya sudah tertulis.
My second son, DZAFRI HISYAM BIN KHAIRULANWAR, passed away peacefully on 20 March 2010 at 8.50pm, at ICU/NICU Ampang Puteri and he was 15 months old (born on 22 September 2008).
He was first diagnosed with dengue (the diagnosed and confirmation of the dengue was made by our regular pediatrician at Wangsa Maju) and later transferred to Ampang Puteri on 20 March 2010 (Saturday) because Dzafri had trouble breathing and the first hospital doesnt have the proper equipment.
The minute we arrived at Ampang Puteri by ambulance, the consultant pediatrician at the ICU/NICU ward have said this to me, “Your baby is too sick. What happened? I cannot promise you anything….”
WHAT?
What?????? Said that again????
But still in my head, I thought to myself that this doctor is wrong. Ya, me, without any medical background, wants to tell to this experience doctor that he is wrong. And he continue, “I think this is not dengue, this is something else. He is too pale. Do he have talasemia?” I quickly replied to him, “No. What do you mean by something else. The doctor (referring to the earlier pediatrician) told me it was dengue.” “Never mind. I will do the test first.” He replied.
I kept quiet to myself, not saying anything and just let the doctor and his nurses doing their job. I was with Dzafri in that ICU room, waiting for my husband and Dzarif as I arrived earlier with the ambulance. Still in shock of what the doctor told me, but I still remaining calm. Tapi dalam hati, Ya Allah, Tuhan saja tahu. I just want to scream, yell, cry … and all I want to do at that time is Dzafri to be ok and we can all go home.
Dzafri was put on oxygen, drip, wayar sana sini-at his chest, hand, his little feet …. He starts to merengek, maybe because tak selesa dgn wayar-wayar yang banyak tu. He didnt cried, but he wants me to hold him tight. Tapi macam mana nak dukung him with all the wayar, dari hidung, lengan, tgn, kaki semuanya ada. I tried to make him comfortable as I could, but I know, he’s scared. Me too.
After 1/2 hour in the ward, Dzafri tertidur and I quickly make my way to the registration counter as hubby is stuck in the traffic jammed. habis urusan di kaunter tu, I quickly ran back to the ward and there, the doctor is waiting for me to show Dzafri chest Xray.
“Its pneumonia. Its getting worst. What actually the doctor told you?”
I explained to him the whole thing, from the first day Dzafri had his demam which is on Monday night, we went to see his pediatrician on Wednesday and was admitted on Friday because the doctor suspected dengue or viral fever, and which the blood test done on Friday and Saturday with the platlet count drop to 28, the pediatrician confirmed it was dengue but, Dzafri had trouble breathing since Wednesday and the pediatrician told me its only phlegm and something to do with Croup bacteria/virus.
“No. This is nothing to do with dengue or viral fever. Its pneumonia and his chest Xray shows that his right lung is filled with pus ? (nanah) and he need to be operate immediately”.
I was nearly fainted.
My hubby was outside at the visitor lounge, waiting with Dzarif, because kid under 12 are not allowed to be in the ICU ward and we had nobody to look after him. I agreed with the operation thing and quickly ran to my husband, asked him to see the doctor and explained to him once more. Just before that, another doctor came into the room. The nurse introduced him as the Pakar Bedah Paru-paru. He was holding the chest xray and was saying something to the first doctor. Then, he explained to me. This time, his words really make me want to cry.
“Its pneumonia but I ternampak satu benda asing dalam paru-paru dia ni. I rasa ada ketumbuhan. Growth.”
“Growth?”
“Tumor”
YA ALLAH!!!
At that time, I am really confused. Sad. The reason the whole transfer thing from the previous hospital to Ampang Puteri is because he has trouble breathing and the doctor there confirmed that it was dengue.
How can from dengue be a tumor?
He never sick before. Only demam, selsema like the rest of other kids. Bagi ubat, dia baik. Tidak pernah pun dia terbaring lama, kesakitan. Never. He never get sick before. I really dont understand.
“Your doctor tak pernah instruct for Xray?” Asked the surgeon again.
“No. And I pun tak pernah terfikir nak hantar dia for Xray coz dia tak pernah sakit”.
“Its not your fault. The doctor should advise you. We need to sent him for scan. Then baru I betul-betul boleh confirm whether its tumor or something else. But from my experience, its tumor and maybe dah lama kat sini, maybe since birth. Pneumonia is because of the tumor. I cuma boleh tahu the size, berapa lama and what kind of tumor after the scan. Then baru I boleh buat surgery.”
Again, I just kept quiet, trying very hard to understand all this. Dzafri starts merengek balik, and this time, I started to cry. I asked the doctor to discuss it with my husband. I went to get him, again, I have to wait with Dzarif at the visitor lounge. Only few minutes inside the ward, he came to get me, saying that Dzafri is crying and looking for me.
I quickly ran to get him, seeing that the nurses try to pujuk him but he’s still crying and mengamuk rimas because of the wayar. The nurses prepared him to sleep, as before can get into the scan, he must sleep.
With the help of the nurses, I tried to give him the ubat tidur. Its a sweet syrup, but my poor boy refused to take it. Its not like normal Dzafri who loved to eat, drink, even ubat. Since Wednesday, his selera makan kurang and starts on Friday, he refused to drink, eat and even takes his milk. Its so sad bila mengenangkan, yang dia memang suka makan, but dia akhir hayat dia, he cant eat…. maybe because sakit yang ditanggung …. I dont know. I really dont. Sampai sekarang, everytime I ate, I must remember him, because he is my partner when makan time. He will walk towards me or starts mumbling when he saw his plate or my plate or any foods in my hand…….
Even though the portion of the ubat given to him suitable for his age and weight, he still cant sleep. He start merengek again, pulling all the wayar, tried to sit on the bed and he looked at me with his sad eyes, asking me to hold him. The nurses help me with the wayar, and I hold him tight, tried to put him to sleep. Because if he cant sleep, they cant put him into the scan machine. Still, he cant sleep after holding him for almost 15 minutes. The nurse put him to IV, with hope that he will sleep, but no …. He merengek lagi kuat, pulling all the wayar, pusing sana sini, wants me to hold him ….. I tried to calm him down, pujuk dia, berzikir, and looks like he wants to sleep …. but I was wrong.
It was 8.35pm.
He starts to tersentak-sentak, like kena fit. I thought its fit because dia pernah kena fit on 4 November 2009 and 1 February 2010. I yelled to the nurse, saying that dia kena fit, but the nurse reply to me ….
“Ni bukan fit kak”
Before she could finish her sentence, she quickly called out all of the nurses in the ICU/NICU ward and the doctors. Just a split second, there is about 7, 8 nurses in the room and one of them had asked me to leave the room. That minute I know something terrible happened.
I was crying , more into menjerit, meraung, asking the nurses what’s going on. 2 of them tried to calm me down, asked me to sit on the chair as I nearly collapsed. I tak sedar, my husband were there with Dzarif. I couldnt say anthing, only sat there and cried. Dzarif come to me and hug me, saying to me not to cry. I even cry loud, saying that I am sad because adik sick.
My husband were asking me what had happened as he spent most of the time at the visitor lounge because he cant be with Dzafri in the ward because need to take care Dzarif. I told him what had happened. Dia terkejut, quickly berdoa for Dzafri and asked me to do the same.
Then, the doctor came and see my husband.
“I cannot promise you anything. I think there’s no hope, but I will try my best.”
My husband can only said, Ya Allah.
I cried.
And only after 2 minutes, the doctor came to us again.
I cant barely hear what he’s saying but my husband came to me.
Hug me and kiss me.
“Dzafri dah tak ada, yang. Ya Allah.”
And it was 8.50pm.
I still sit on the chair, crying like I never cried before.
Screaming.
My husband went into the room. I was still outside, this time I was sitting on the floor, making calls to my family and friends.
I cant walked to the room. I have no strength to do that. I just cant. I couldnt face this. My son is gone.
I am so sad. I could not explained more. No words can described it.
It felt like my chest just being stabbed.
Ya Allah. Beratnya dugaan yang Kau berikan kali ini.
After I have called my friends, Maria and Zul, called my aunties, my brother. Then I called my mom. The minute I told her that Dzafri had passed away, my dad pengsan. Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku. Berilah aku kekuatan. Then I called my mom again to make sure that she and my dad are ok. Luckily, my aunty just stayed near there and a cousin had offered to drive my parent from Kluang, Johor to KL that night.
Then, I slowly walked to Dzafri room.
There he was, lying on the bed.
I cant hear his voice again.
No ‘mama’ to greet me.
No chicky smile to welcome me.
No bye bye hand from him.
He just lying there.
He’s gone. Forever.
I held him tight. Crying, screaming his name. Saying No. I dont why, but I said “No, Dzafri. No.”
I dont know how long i cried, screaming his name.
Then, I sat. I was tired.
I asked the nurses, “Betul ke dik dia dah tak ada”.
The nurse looked at me, “Betul kak. Dia dah tak ada.”
I repeatedly asked her the same question. And she reply me with the same answer.
My Dzafri is no longer with me.
I miss him. Today (1 April 2010) is the 12th day since he passed away.
But I can still hear his voice.
I can still hear his cries.
I can still remember his laughter.
I can still smells him.
And I still remember his smile.
Ya Allah, aku redha dgn ketentuanMu. Berilah aku semangat dan kekuatan dalam menempuh dugaan Mu yang besar dan berat ini, Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya, Kau Maha Pengasih, Maha Pengampun. Segala-gala yang terjadi adalah kehendak mu Ya Allah dan aku sebagai hambaMu, redha dengan segalanya. Tempatkanlah Dzafri di sisi M,u di kalangan orang beriman, di syurga Mu. Kau temukanlah kami bersamanya di syurga Mu, Ya Allah. – Amin.
Dzafri,
Mummy love you so much. I am going to miss you forever. Not only me, ayah, abang, totok, grandma, uncle adik, auntie mek, and all of us will missing you dearly. I love you dear. No words can described how much I miss you right now. I love you dear. I have to let you go. But I’m going to miss you forever and my love will never fade. You are my only DZAFRI.
